The small knot of people huddled in the center of
the room. The ship was freezing—as it was a night in early January—and the
group had to gather together to stay warm. Strangers, heading to a strange land
all brought together by circumstance.
Mia, seventeen years old—small-framed and smart—was
at the center of the group, holding the bible from which her father read. She
was Dutch, by birth, and adventurous in spirit. After weeks at sea, Mia was now
quite over the concept of sailing into the West. Despite all her parents said
about the amazing new place they were going, she was yet to be
convinced.
Slowly, the night passed and the sun rose, allowing
the passengers to go above to the main deck.
The early morning was frigid, and yet unsettlingly beautiful. Mia looked
out across the endless blue-grey of the morning as the sun rose out of the
ocean. Despite all of the anger she felt at her parents for making her leave
home, she had to admit that nothing could beat the pure beauty of the sunrise
at sea.
“Are you cold?” The question startled Mia from her
contemplation of the water splashing up the side of the ship. Behind her was a
tall, and gangly boy of eighteen, by the name of Jack. He was from England and
had joined them at Dover.
“I’m fine.” Was the only response that she could
come up wit, despite her hands and feet freezing so much it hurt.
“What a relief!” He came over next to her on the
railing. “Why are you going to America?” It had to have been the hundredth time
he had asked Mia, but he always seemed as interested as the first time.
“My parents thought that it would be a worthwhile
gamble to take, since we lost all our money trying to repair a motel that my
mother wanted to run. They say that they hope that we’ll live better in
America.” She hated it. She hated her mother for making a stupid gamble. She
hated her father for supporting her mother. Most of all, she hated Helen’s
parents for suggesting that they go to the new world to regain their wealth.
Her best friend had even betrayed her.
“I ran away.” The reply startled Mia. He had never
told her anything about himself before. “My parents are in debt, and I wanted
to help them out. There were no jobs in any of the towns nearby. I was becoming
a burden to my parents.” He paused there and looked out to the sea, an odd look
on his face. When he looked back to her, he was wearing a sad smile. “I am
going to make my fortune in America, and send the money to my parents. When I
am a wealthy man with a wife by my side and children on my knee, I will go home
and give them all I have made for them.” He looked proud and terrified at the
same time. She felt bad for him, and yet understood what he meant. If she were
a boy, she would have done the same thing.
“Mia!” The voice belonged to her father, who was
standing right behind them. He pulled her away and reprimanded her for talking
to Jack. They were of a different class and shouldn’t converse.
“Father!” she protested, “He is my friend. We’re
going to America, aren’t we? Land of the free, right? Of the brave? Land of the
equal daddy.” She looked determinedly up at him.
“He is a nice boy.” Her father admitted. “ I suppose
you could be, well…acquaintances.”
She smiled and gave her father a quick peck on the
cheek. “Thank you daddy.” She turned around and held her hand out to Jack.
“C’mon,” she said, “I hear the view from the bow is to die for.” He smiled and,
bowing to her father, took her hand. They walked to the bow of the ship.
A person from above cried: “Land ho!”
“Finally.” The sigh of relief was lost on the wind blowing across the
ocean and to the new land ahead.--Eliza Koso
This is a great story. It flowed well and was very easy to follow. You made good word choices and I really liked how you incorporated "land of the free... land of the equal" into it. You had a few spelling and grammar mistakes that could easily be fixed. Why was Mia so upset about going to the New World? I know you mentioned that she was upset about leaving home, but if you were told that you were going to a place where you would be wealthy and live a better life, wouldn't you be eager to go? Also, do you think many people were as brave as Jack in reality, sailing to the New World by themselves, not knowing what to expect or if they will ever see their families again, at the young age of 18?
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your story greatly and your choice of words painted extremely vivd pictures of Mia's surroundings. At points I felt as if I was on the ship going to the new land. I did however stumble a couple of times over some sentences. One section in particular that I think could be improved is when the boy first approaches Mia I felt as if they were complete strangers but than you say "It had to have been the hundredth time he had asked Mia" implying that they do in fact know each other. Maybe try and make that relationship more clear from the start. Also as Elana has already stated you have a few spelling mistakes (nothing major). Throughout the story you really are able to glorify the picture of America and coming to America perfectly showing how other cultures think of our land. However do you really think that the journey was as simple and glamorous as you portray?
ReplyDeleteI really liked your short story! It portrayed the idea that America is country of liberty and equality. The description of the setting is vivid and just beautiful in general; I personally saw this in the third paragraph with the description of the sunrise. I was confused in the last paragraph, when they are almost arriving and someone (assumingly Mia) says, "Finally". I got the impression that Mia was not excited to move to America, so, it could be my interpretation but, does her opinion change by the end? In response to Elana's question, I think people didn't know what to expect and were probably worried about their future. Those people, however, would probably hope that they achieve the same success as the people in stories they've heard. It took a lot of courage and determination to decide to sail to America and build a future there.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the scenery. However, Mia and Jack seemed to bond a little too quickly for my taste (professional opinion). In the beginning, Mia seemed a little irritated by Jack's overexcitement upon reaching the New World, but then they skip away in the end, hand in hand. I'd like to see more development in their friendship. What happened in Dover? How did they meet? Did they like each other at first, or did she hate him? Also, how did her best friend betray her? Did they call motels motels in that time period? Her response to her father's chastisement was also abrupt, seeing as she wasn't quite ecstatic about her friendship with Jack, at least in my (professional) opinion. And in response to Sophie's question, I don't think she (if she is saying it) says finally as much out of excitement as she does out of the relief of getting of the ship.
ReplyDeleteFirst off Eliza, this was a stunningly visual story. What you were able to accomplish in a short piece of writing was incredible. There are a couple of tiny errors like the previous comments mentioned, in the "I'm fine line you forgot the H in with. Overall, your story was engaging and insightful, I know your constrained by word count but if you chose to revise l would love to see more character development. You give us little tidbits about each character that makes me want to ask questions. Like "bwhite" I wondered what happened in Dover, is this jack's home or has he traveled before coming aboard. Two things kind of confused me in this story. First which question are you addressing? And you made it sound like both Mia and Jack are part of the working class, but her father refuses to let her associate with him?
ReplyDeleteI love your story! The amount of detail that you put into this short moment in time is extraordinary, and it really helps to bring the message across. As the others have said, there are a few minor mistakes, but it doesn’t detract from the story in any big way. I think that a little more backstory of Mia would’ve been nice, but I know you were inhibited by the word limit. Overall, though, I think that it was a great little story that painted a very nice picture of a very small (though very significant) moment in the American experience.
ReplyDeleteLike so many of our peers have mentioned, your story was rich in imagery. I could easily visualize those shivering passengers and the sunrise that managed to slightly raise Mia's spirits. I agree with Brian that Mia's change in opinion towards Jack was rather abrupt: she went from hating him, to feeling sympathy, to defending him, to holding hands with him all in the span of what seems like minutes. If not for the word count, it would have been nice to their relationship develop over a more realistic amount of time. In response to one of Evie's questions, I think her father disapproves of their relationship mainly because Jack is a runaway, placing him in an even "lower class".
ReplyDeleteEliza--I loved it. It was so carefully worded and I could tell you spent a lot of time on it. Your word choice was great and created beautiful images that really made everything come to life. At first I was wondering where you were going to take this story and by the end I was captivated. I was dying to know what would happen! I really liked how you created characters that evoked emotions from us, the readers, and in the end we saw how this one instance related to a greater essential question being answered.
ReplyDeleteThis is really sweet! I really like how you set up the scene with Jack with the sunrise on the ocean as well as Mia's bitter thoughts. I really liked how you integrated the themes of liberty and equality into Mia's comeback at her father. I love the story context and the plot makes me really want to know more!Something seems a little contradictory about the fact that Mia has an adventurous spirit but is then reluctant to travel abroad. On the same note, why does Mia hate America so much? Mia's rebellious attitude could be a good place to add in some cons about America. It was a little abrupt how Mia suddenly started listing the good attributes about America when she was so resentful before.
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