Inevitable Endings Make Sadder Endings

Alison Cameron
Honours American literature
11/19/12

Inevitable Endings Make Sadder Endings

“Dost thou love life, then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of”-Benjamin Franklin

While grumbling, Jana awakened from her deep sleep on a hazy Sunday morning. She grabbed her cracked iPhone: one new email from Abercrombie about a twenty percent off sale and a text message about the math homework due the next day. 11:10, flashed the iPhone’s screen. It was already 11:10, and Jana could barely open her eyes.“Well at least I didn’t sleep in until two like I usually do,” she thought as she groaned into her pillow. She got out of bed, slid into her tattered bunny slippers, and cranked up the Killers’ old CD. Changing into an old sweatshirt and baggy sweatpants, she made her way downstairs to pour herself some dry cereal before the morning was over.

Her mother, Jill, sat down beside her disgruntled, distracted daughter and gave her a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Jana looked at the mug, and ignored it to continue playing “Words with Friends”. Jill cleared her throat and looked up at Jana, her vibrant, precious, and only daughter. While her hair was matted and her eyes were droopy, Jana was still a vision of beauty to Jill’s mind. Jill cleared her throat again and asked softly

“How did you sleep? You are up earlier than usual”
Jana hardly turned away from her iPhone. “Yeah I guess, I don’t know why though.”
Jill calmly tapped her fingers on the table and chewed her lip. “Do you have any homework to do today? I can help you with physics if you want.”
“No I don’t need your help.”
Jill stopped tapping her fingers and put her hands softly in her lap. “Well, I know you find the class difficult, and I just wanted to make sure...”

Jana finally looked up from her iPhone, glaring straight into her mother’s eyes, “No mom I’m fine. I’ll get it done by myself”. She finished her Cheerios, chucked the bowl into the dishwasher, and headed out of the kitchen.Jill staggered after her, and eventually lost her balance and had to clutch onto the wall.

“Jana, wait! Why don’t we go to the mall together, just like old times? We could get some new clothes for you, and grab a bite to eat at that sandwich shop we both like. You can do your physics homework later, we’ve got the whole day ahead of us.”

Her gaunt, sunken eyes pleaded for Jana’s response. Her bony fingers clenched the wall for dear life, for her emaciated body could no longer carry its own weight. Jill’s chest heaved for just a quick breath of air, and her mouth trembled a little.

Jana raised an eyebrow, but did not  notice how much strength it took for her mother to stay standing. “No thanks, I went to the mall last week with Cassie and I don’t really need anymore clothes. Really, it’s fine. You don’t look too well this morning, I don’t want to tire you out.” With that, she unplugged her computer and logged onto Facebook and turned on last night’s episode of “Saturday Night Live”.

Jill faltered over to the couch and sat down next to Jana. She breathed uneasily and stared at the white, low ceiling.  Letting her eyes fall gently shut, she started to quietly hum to herself. Jana looked over at her sickly mother, her skin full of veins, the greying blonde hair, and her chapped lips. “Is she now going crazy as well?” , Jana thought, “Trying to take me to the mall, pfft, she’s in no state to do that. Why can’t she just leave me alone? Why must she try to guilt me into doing things she knows that she can’t do anymore?” She continued social networking and suddenly her mother turned her head towards her and said “You have to face it Jana, we don’t have much time left together.”

Jana twitched uncomfortably, then remained still for quite some time. Her countenance was as blank as paper, her verdant eyes were the only things left with colour on her small face. The last thing she wanted to talk about was the fact that her mother was dying in front of her, and there wasn’t anything in the world that could help her. She stared at her computer screen, ignoring her mother completely. Jana couldn’t bear to look at her mother’s aged, hollow face any longer. “I have to go shower”, she mumbled, “I’ll be back”.

She ran up the stairs and turned the shower on and shut the curtains. Why did her mother have to mention her looming fate? Since the day her mother was diagnosed with AIDs, Jana had known that her mother was going to die within her lifetime. She refused to cry, talk, or even think about the inevitable fate of her mother. Moping about her mother wasn’t going to get her anywhere, so Jana had no choice but to move on from the day of diagnosis and continue on with her own life. She got into the shower, and started to think about that dreaded physics lab she had to complete by tomorrow.

*                         *                       *

As Jana was busy with her homework, Jill became sick of watching television and stumbled to get up from the couch. The sickly woman hobbled over to her most prized possession, her grand piano that she inherited from her beloved grandfather. Her spidery fingers rummaged through her old music until she found a large book of classical piano pieces. Skimming through the yellowing pages, she at last found the piece she had been searching for. Her blotchy nose smelled the aged, musky smell that old paper always has, and she placed her music on the piano. Placing her hardened hands on the ivory keys, she started to play “Clair de Lune”. Her sound was hesitant, but tender and refined. Jill hadn’t played piano in ten  years, but even after the first few chords she felt as good as new, even as healthy as she was ten years ago. Debussy’s notes soared across the room, and her playing became louder, more passionate as she went further and further into the music. Her fingers soared across the piano with a vigour and beauty that had never escaped her before. Her weak body became stronger with each note and she swayed deeply as her fingers went up and down the keys. She felt free from her disease and became stronger, as if she were living inside of her vibrant soul and not her feeble body. Victimized no longer by her weak state, she finished the piece completely rejuvenated once more. With only days, maybe hours left to live, Jill saw a glimpse of her former, impassioned self that she had not seen in years. With that, she could finally rest, knowing who she was.

*                         *                       *

 Wondering why her mother decided to start playing piano again, Jana came downstairs and headed towards the music room. She opened the door hesitantly, and found music sprawled all over the floor. Alongside the tattered music, was her mother’s body. She shook her mother's bony shoulders, “Wake up Mommy! Wake up!” Jill didn't move from her daughter's pleas, and her body remained lifeless. Her daughter looked around the room in panic, unable to comprehend that the end of her mother’s exhausting disease had finally come. Jana whipped out her phone and trembled to call 911. 

“Hello, I think my mother is dead.” 

She was stuttering while she spoke to the officer on the other line. Her mother? Dead? It could not be happening, she had been alive and breathing just a few hours ago. She could barely hear the man on the phone as she was sputtering out her address and mother's tragic medical history. The man said they would be there as fast as they could, and that Jana shouldn't worry, but Jana didn't have to worry. Her mother had finally died from AIDs.

*                         *                       *

Jana put on her black dress, and her mother’s old emerald earrings for the memorial. She adored those earrings, and her mother always meant to give them to her. “They match your beautiful eyes,” she once said, “I know you’ll take good care of them one day”. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she saw wisps of her mother’s beauty. The long, blonde hair, slim figure, and crooked smile reminded her about her mother's vibrance that she had once possessed so long ago. A single tear ran down her grieving face, and once Jana saw her crying self in the mirror, she could no longer hold in her deep sadness. Sobbing now, she could finally believe that her mother was gone. She crouched onto the floor, unwilling now to go downstairs for the memorial in this distraught state. She grabbed a picture of her healthy mother, and clutched it to her heaving chest. Her mother was dead, and there was nothing Jana could do to change that.